Prone to Wander: Where Am I?

In 2019, my husband's job had us living in Stockholm, Sweden, for six months. I had never been away from home for such an extended period and left behind two children in college, plus my parents, dog, friends, and home to live a temporary new life with my husband and two of my children.

Despite enjoying that season immensely and immersing myself in my new, albeit short-term home, I was out of my routine and comfort zone. Having quickly realized that traveling in Europe from Europe was very reasonable, I also visited places I had never seen before, which was incredible but caused even more disorientation. Additionally, I made a couple of trips back to the U.S. to move college kids and prepare for my son's wedding. On many days, I couldn't recall where I was upon first waking. One time I woke up on a long flight, and it took a moment to remember where I was going.

I frequently felt unsettled and disoriented during those months. A sense of disconnection from home and place was my constant companion. It was the adventure of a lifetime, and I was grateful, but I was also uneasy.

In addition to being all over the place geographically while I lived abroad, I was also in new emotional territory. Three of my kids had left home, and the job I had enjoyed for over 23 years, caring for the family day-to-day, was ending. After managing our overflowing home for so long, it was a big adjustment. I loved being a full-time mom but would soon need to find another vocation. Also, my oldest son was about to be married, and I would be taking on a new role as mother-in-law.

Then, about halfway through my time overseas, during the weeks leading up to Easter, our pastor in Stockholm shared a message from Genesis that I realized I had heard somewhere else recently. Over the next few weeks, I came across the same message three more times.

The story was from the first book of the Bible, right after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. As they attempted to hide themselves from God, He asked them, "Where are you?" The first time I heard the story, I was physically in Budapest. The second time, I was in Stockholm. The third and fourth times found me somewhere over the North Atlantic. By the fifth time, it was Good Friday, and I was in Italy.

I thought that maybe God was subtly prompting me (by the fourth time, the nudge didn't seem so subtle) to ponder the question too. Perhaps I needed to consider where I was. Just like with Adam and Eve, God wasn't asking where I was physically; instead, He wanted me to assess where I was in relation to Him.

In unfamiliar places, in situations far away from home and comfort zone, and with new life purposes and circumstances upon me, was I remaining near to Him? Was I trusting Him for peace, or relying on the familiar? Was I as distant from Him as I was from my home across the ocean?

At first, I didn't think I was far from Him. The dark, quiet mornings in Stockholm had allowed me to begin many days with a cup of tea and a biscuit, Bible, and journal in hand. For the first time in years, I was often able to start the day with Him, rather than racing around making lunches and getting kids out the door. But closer examination of my heart made it clear that although I was spending time with Him, I wasn't trusting Him with everything. 

As I considered more deeply, I recognized that, in addition to experiencing vague but persistent feelings of geographic disorientation, I was also spiritually disoriented. And maybe I had been since before I left on my journey; it only became apparent as I moved away from my normal life. Like sifting river rocks and finding a gold nugget, once the typical trappings of my life fell away, I saw my relationship with God more clearly. The feelings of uneasiness that I was having by being in foreign places and facing new seasons had a more profound, spiritual implication.

I am prone to wander. Not only do I like to travel, but I often wander away from God, going my own way without even realizing it, relying on the created instead of the Creator.

During those months abroad, God gently helped me realize that I had been trusting in the wrong things to bring peace. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a secure and happy home, good health, and people to love. These are gifts. We should feel comfortable being in our homes and routines, and I believe God made us creatures of habit (see The Secret Power of Clean Socks). But there is something wrong with placing our spiritual peace and security on the back of our physical security.

As a Christian, my source of peace and strength – no matter where I am, no matter what the circumstances – shouldn’t come from anything but God. Nothing else is permanent, unshakeable, or eternal. Nothing and no one on earth will last for the long haul. The nagging feeling of fear that plagued me when I thought of my empty nest or the future was merely a symptom of having oriented myself away from God. The longer I stayed overseas, the more I could see that people and places had been slowly replacing God as my perceived sources of safety. Without them, I lost my sense of peace.

I thought about Daniel in the Old Testament, ripped from his life, place, and routine, and taken as a slave to a foreign land. He went from royalty to servant, from his lifetime home to a strange and hostile land, from free man to slave.

How did he answer the question, "Where am I?" Many times, he must have felt discombobulated when he woke to his upside-down life in Babylon. Where did he find security, constancy, and purpose? If his actions were any indication of how he would have answered that question, then he knew exactly where he was with God…in the same place he had always been…under the shelter of God’s wing.

Daniel's earthly foundation was torn out from under him, but his reliance on God was faithful. He didn't do as the locals did, caving to leaders out of fear. He didn't rest in his knowledge and wisdom, but continued to rely on what God said was true. He remained connected to God throughout each day, in direct defiance to his captors. In doing so, he brought glory to God and experienced God’s peace despite his situation.

Unlike Daniel, my circumstances in Sweden weren't dire. He was living in captivity - I was living in freedom. I went to Stockholm of my own free will. I knew I would return to my home in the States. No one was controlling my days or my life. It was an exciting adventure. Yet, I still felt off-balance and insecure. When we set up something else to be the rock on which we stand, we will always flounder. Although my salvation was secure, living in a foreign place revealed a crack in how I was living out my faith.

When God asked Adam and Eve where they were, the answer was clear: they were standing apart from Him, causing themselves to feel fearful, anxious, and unsure. They had decided to seek the best for themselves in created things rather than trusting Him to provide the best. Maybe I was doing the same thing.

Living in Sweden was an incredible opportunity, a happy time. Those six months are some of the most memorable in my life. But even in good times, even in the Garden of Eden, we can feel unmoored, disconnected, and uncertain about what is next, if we are placing our trust in something other than God.

God used that foreign place to remind me that my physical location and life circumstances don't determine my security. My comfort, familiarity, and home are found in Him, not in the false constancy that routine, health, home, or family brings. As long as I remain in Him, drawing near to Him, "dwelling under the shelter of the Most High," like Daniel, I won't be shaken.

With this realization, my feelings of homesickness waned. I asked God to return to His rightful place as the only solid foundation of my life. Taking steps, not to run back home, but to run toward Him, I felt free and confident, stronger, and at peace.

It doesn't matter where in the world I go, or what season of life I enter. Alone or with others, at home or far away, in a routine or amid chaos – none of it matters. He provides the only constancy and security I have or ever will have. I can be secure in Him. And even though I am prone to wander without intending to, He always knows where I am and patiently waits for me to return.

Where are you in relation to God? Do you often feel shaken by your circumstances and anxious in new seasons? How can you make God your foundation? What do you turn to for comfort and security? Are those things putting boundaries between you and God?